Facing my Fears

I am competitive, I am an extremist, I am passionate, and I am motivated. These are things I have been for my entire life and character traits that my parents talk about me having as a baby. These are the things that drive me to do what I do. They make me stubborn and impatient, but they make me love life and they make me really really good at the things that I choose to do.
Crossfit has been a major part of my life for the past 3.5 years. I’ve played every sport I could (with the exception of those I wasn’t good at) and I’ve never come across a sport quite like it. I’ve also been through all the stages of Crossfit. I no longer try to stuff it down people’s throats…I could care less who does or doesn’t do it and I could care less when women say they don’t want to get bulky from it. (sort of)
I know what it does for people…not just physically. I’ve seen firsthand the confidence built through the completion of someones first pull up or the first time they dead lift over their body weight, over 200 lbs, or even over 300. I’ve seen the excitement in someones eyes the first time they get a muscle up, and the confidence built the first time they do something they never thought they could do before. And I’ve experienced it myself. Over and over and over again. The first time I got a muscle up, the first time I could clean my body weight, and the first time I was able to walk on my hands down the length of the gym. Things I never imagined I would do. With a gain in physical strength, came a tenfold gain in mental fortitude and confidence. The ability to get through your most difficult workout, while in pain or while you want to cry, either makes everything else in life seem easy, or gives you the determination to get through difficult times. I’ve never seen anything build confidence and mental strength the way that I have seen crossfit do it. So…for the past 3.5 years, I’ve been in love with crossfit.
That all changed when I moved to Denver.
It happened somewhat gradually but way faster than I remember it. I no longer had my gym, my support system, and my friends who pushed me to be the best that I could be…and I was thrown into a completely different environment in my personal and social life than I had experienced in a while. I started an unbelievably intensive graduate program that kept me in the studio standing or sitting at a table, often for 10+ hours a day. My body was hurting, my heart was hurting, and my head was hurting, literally. I created a basement gym so that I could do CrossFit whenever I had time. The first few weeks of school I ceased to workout at all. I had no motivation, no drive, and certainly no energy. I had never really experienced this before. My entire life, working out had been an outlet and had been something that made me feel better. The last thing I wanted to do was workout at night when I got out of school. I stopped caring. I stopped wanting to do crossfit even though I’d force myself. Like I said before, I’m an extremist. I have two speeds. go and stop. so instead of crossfitting full time, all the time, I stopped. I mean after the first few weeks of school I got my shit together and worked out. but my workouts consisted of 40 minutes on the treadmill or c2 with high reps at low weights of lifts every 5 minutes or set distance.
I’d do crossfit when I’d go back to colorado springs but it wasn’t a priority and it didn’t feel the same. I had stopped caring about my performance (to a certain extent) and I had honestly stopped caring a lot about myself. I told myself that I was putting school first, that it was okay because I needed to change my priorities and that I couldn’t always be a competitive crossfitter. I still don’t know if I was lying to myself or if these things are true. But I know that I stopped caring about something that has been unbelievably influential in my life for the past 3 years. (this is not abnormal for me…this happens a lot because I go through stages so I took it with a  grain of salt.)
But I got more and more depressed. I liked school, but not the way that I had loved crossfit. I function with high levels of passion day to day…without which I don’t see the point of doing something. I wasn’t passionate about school the way that I was about crossfit. The idea of choosing something to do for the rest of my life is revolting. I can’t imagine it and it makes me want to either crawl into a hole and die or run for my life into the mountains.
I ignored a lot of these emotions and at the beginning of winter break I had begun to enjoy my life in Denver… going out with friends and working my ass off at school. I was good at it. I was nominated for an award.
I made the decision not to compete this year because I felt like I would be putting too much pressure on myself because I wasn’t able to train. I had stopped taking care of myself. I was skipping meals because the time flies by in the studio and I had dropped around 10 lbs…probably of muscle. In a vain sort of way, I liked it. My abs looked good but I wasn’t beating everyone at every workout and I sure as hell didn’t feel good. Shockingly, I didn’t care. This was the most upsetting thing to me. I stopped caring. I was becoming apathetic- An emotion that I despise more than anything else really.

I have been trying to pick apart why I made the decision not to compete in the first place and what exactly changed my mind. I’m petrified of failure. always have been. I’m afraid of losing, of stepping up to the bar and trying my hardest and that not being good enough. I’m afraid that I am not actually trying my best…that there’s always one more rep in me, always something I could have done better… Admitting this feels horrible. I am supposed to be inspirational and ‘coachy’ but I guess we all have our weaknesses. Those who know me well probably already know this. I’m lucky that there are a lot of things that come naturally, especially fitness related. If I’m not good, chances are I  don’t do it. Simple. It’s made for some really great times and a lot of ‘wins’ but it’s also kept me from doing things because I’m afraid that I will fail.
I’m working on this. I’d like to get out of my comfort zone a little more and maybe that is why I love Crossfit so much…while I am naturally pretty adept at moving heavy loads…theres always something to improve upon, always something that I am not good at. By competing again, I’ll be forced to face that. While I’ve been unbelievably competitive my entire life, I’m no longer competing with anyone else, I’m competing with myself. When I step up to the bar, my heart pounding, and my body shaking, there is no one else in the world. It is me and the workout. And that workout is as honest as anything gets. It will divulge my weaknesses, it will showcase my strengths, and it won’t let me bullshit or lie or cheat. If I don’t respect it, I’ll end up flat on my back by the end. But if I do, and if I give it my all, well now… the possibilities are endless.

After a rough first semester emotionally and some loss of fitness, I signed up and couldn’t be happier with my decision. I’d like to qualify for regionals again and I’d like to help my gym qualify a team. But If I don’t, that’s life. It doesn’t make me any better of a person and it doesn’t mean that I’ve failed…something I’m slowly starting to realize.

Holding On

I used to be really strong… and by that, I mean I used to be able to hide things really well. I would pretend like everything was okay when it wasn’t and I never cried, ever. I used to run into my bedroom and pull the covers over my head. I’ve changed since then, sort of…I might metaphorically pull the covers over my head I suppose. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I want to be able to control everything. I want everything to go my way, all of the time, and I want to fix problems- especially the problems of the people I care about. And I will go to any length I believe is necessary to try and fix those problems. I believe everything should have a black and white solution (but I know that’s not the case) and when I can’t find that solution or can’t fix the problem, well, I freak out. I’m self- destructive and my coping mechanisms aren’t always the best. I have unbelievably vivid memories of coping with things as a kid..or not actually coping with them. When I’m freaking out and trying to deal with something now, those memories come flooding back. I’m the first to admit that I desire to control situations and the first to admit I’m not always right and that I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did and I try to find answers to problems that don’t necessarily have one. We are shaped less by the good things that happen to us than we are the bad and without those bad times, we wouldn’t know how good everything actually is. It really doesn’t matter how many times you fall down…as long as you can pick yourself up afterwards.
So lesson of the week is to keep your head up…allow yourself to freak out, because you undoubtedly will when things get tough. What matters is how you handle everything after sh*t hits the fan. A friend told me today that it seems like a lot of people’s lives are spinning out of control. We have a choice…stay on for the ride and handle things as they come, or give up and jump off. Your choice.

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Blueberry Banana Bread Muffins

So I’ve had a number of requests for the blueberry banana bread muffins. the recipe is already on here but I will post it again. The first recipe had some problems with it because I forgot to put some of the information. My bad. Keep in mind that I approximate most measurements. Especially with little things like cinnamon and vanilla. Do what feels right.

BANANA BREAD MUFFINS
(these can be made as muffins or a loaf of bread. I usually make muffins so the baking time will differ slightly.)

In a blender (Or if you are a normal person, a food processor. If you don’t have a food processor and use a blender, mix the bananas first. This will be a fairly thick ‘batter’)
1 cup raw cashews
1 cup roasted/salted cashews
4 ripe bananas
2 tbs olive oil (I use ‘light’ vanilla infused olive oil. The light just means it’s light flavored and throw two vanilla beans in a jar and let it sit for a while.)
1 tbs melted coconut oil
1 cup raw unsweetened coconut flakes (optional)
If it’s too thick you can add a 1/4 cup of water.

In a bowl:
2 eggs, whisked
1 cup almond meal (there are a few different kinds of almond meal. My favorite is the raw kind and it’s available at a natural grocers. It is also the cheapest.)
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 honey (depending on how sweet you want it)
3 tsp vanilla
cinnamon (not sure how much I used…whatever seems right)

Mix the two together and then add a container of blueberries (or two.) I also sometimes add chopped bananas. The more blueberries, the more moist the bread will be…which can be good or bad depending on what you like.

I also add vanilla protein powder sometimes which I thoroughly enjoy.

Bake at 375 for around 25 minutes. Test with a toothpick or knife.
Enjoy

What I’ve been up to

I’m so sorry it’s been like a month and I have had no useful information for you guys. I’m working on something about success and what it means (or doesn’t mean)
For now, this will have to suffice…

My life has been a little different this past month…and by a little, I mean a lot different.
Instead of waking up at 6 to make breakfast for or with the tribe and take the furry one to work with me, I wake up at 5:30 and make breakfast for myself and get my things ready for the day. (pretty similar)
Then I go to school. I get there around 7:30. About the same time I used to get to Progressive. Instead of hanging out with Ma and having coffee and mobilizing for an hour, I sit in a chair and do reading or work on some drawings. Instead of working out for an hour or two or three, I go to class and sit in a chair and learn (interesting and cool) things for a few hours. Then I go back to the studio and eat lunch. Instead of hanging out at the gym and coaching and working out some more, I hang out all afternoon and draw or build models or go back to class…until about 5:30 or 6 when I go home. Most of the time I’m pretty tired and don’t work out…On days I only have class once a day I try and workout in the afternoon.

Instead of working out (or doing mobility) for at least 2 hours a day, I struggle to get a workout in during my day. Instead of eating like 5 times during my day, I eat 3 times. And for those of you who knew my meal plan…I’m eating like 10 blocks now. (awesome right!?) Keep in mind my activity level dropped drastically so don’t freak out.
So working out in my basement is not very motivating. Sometimes I get to work out with Juli but my schedule is so unpredictable that it’s hard. I miss my schedule because I don’t feel very healthy.
And i miss all of you who brighten up my day and allow me to yell at you to get lower in your squat and stuff like that.
On a positive note- I’m surrounded by some smart and cool people who are super creative and I’m learning a ton of new stuff.

So I’m learning what it’s like to make excuses. (I know, I know…not so great) Not that I didn’t know how to before. But I’m allowing other things to come before training. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing… I ran a 6:59 mile this weekend which was pretty awesome but I am not sure if I could squat clean 195# and my handstand pushups are miserable at the moment. I’m trying to find a balance between school and training and all of that stuff. I’d honestly rather be working out than sitting at a drafting table…but I’d also rather be in the mountains than working out. As you guys know, I don’t do well with things in moderation. I tend to take something and run with it and I’m an all or nothing sort of person. It makes me passionate, but it also makes me restless, impatient, and even a bit reckless at times.

So I miss you guys. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about all of you and what you are doing and how many goals or PR’s you are reaching and how much I’d love to be coaching you. But I am there in spirit like I have said many times. I will see you all at the masters comp in Denver!

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping… waiting… and though unwanted… unbidden… it will stir… open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace… but we would be hollow… Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we’d be truly dead.”
- Joss Whedon

A few shots of what I’ve been up to…

To my PFCF family

To my PFCF Family

I don’t even know where to begin and it brings me tears just thinking about what I have to say and how I am unable to put it into words.
You guys mean so much to me. The last two years have been absolutely unbelievable. I have learned so much from you guys and have been inspired every day to be a better coach, person, and athlete. Your hard work and determination have pushed me to be a coach and athlete that you guys would be proud of. Our community is something I am honored to be a part of. Every competition we have a crew supporting us and cheering on our athletes.
The family that we have created is something that I will always cherish, whether I am there every morning or not.

The times on the board matter, but not compared to the honesty, integrity, and hard work that go in to getting there. The competition is important, but not as important as the relationships that you will form competing with your teammates and fellow athletes. We are a family. We cry, sweat, and bleed together. Literally. Don’t forget this and don’t lose sight of what is actually important.

Thank you for giving me two and a half amazing years. I am not writing this to say bye or anything…believe me, I will be around…periodically yelling at you to squat lower and get your chin over the bar. I am writing this to thank you and to tell you how grateful I am for everything you have done for me in the past few years. I didn’t get to see all of you before I moved up to Denver, but thank you, and I will see you all again soon.

Another update…sort of, but not really.

I’ve been wanting to write a few different articles.
Hand care for crossfitters
What (I keep) to keep in your gym bag
Why I love my gym
A rant about crossfit gyms in general…

I’ve been really busy and really stressed.
I’m moving to Denver soon and there’s a whole bunch of stuff I have yet to do. I’m generally more interested in spending time with my tribe or at the gym (when I’m not taking care of school/house/Denver stuff) and eventually I will write about all those really interesting topics. For now, I am going to deal with the fact I have to move. I’d rather not, but I don’t really have a choice. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not moving half way around the world, or even out of state. I am moving just an hour away.

For your entertainment…
HERE is a video of me doing a handstand walk.

Here is a sneak peak of my living room…

and here is our fur child…

Sportsmanship and CrossFit

Some of these words may be harsh and I may seem angry…this topic is important and something I am very passionate about. If you don’t agree, that is totally fine. There is a good chance we no don’t agree on anything at that point and I could care less.

One of the things I love about Crossfit is the sportsmanship involved. The quality of athletes is unparalleled in my opinion when it comes to this and I’ve never seen anything like it in any sport that I have been involved in…there’s been at least a dozen. Individual athletes stood out when they showed exceptional sportsmanship when I was growing up, they were even awarded for it. Today, with CF, those who don’t show this quality stick out like sore thumbs. And then, I GET REALLY EFFING ANGRY.

I am going to back up a little and gloat a bit to give you guys some background…I was the coaches favorite. In many of my sports. I often got mvp or some similar award at the end of the season. While I am fairly athletic, my coaches liked me because I was coachable, I didn’t argue with them or talk back to them, and I worked my butt off. I also supported my team mates and was often team captain or co-captain. I played varsity sports for the most part and always looked up to the girls who were older than me who exemplified these qualities. Hard work, honesty and integrity, and respect. These were all things I desired to be as an athlete. I take things personally. Any time an athlete or someone on my team disrespected our coach or our other team mates, I’d get upset. Any time they’d walk off the field without shaking the other teams hand, I’d get irate. And anytime anyone cheated during practice or tried to get out of working hard, well, lets just say they avoided me for a while. I have zero tolerance for that stuff and there is no place for it, on or off the field. I am also extremely competitive and anytime we lost, my parents knew not to talk to me for a few days. While I was upset in that case, I kept it to myself and used it as fuel during the next game.

So back to current day- There are few times that I have experienced, heard about, or have seen poor sportsmanship in crossfit. The few times I have, I have been appalled, angry, upset, and not to mention, embarrassed for that person. So I am going to put it out there…to all those who I coach and all those who I compete with and train with every day, If you ever talk back to a head coach or judge in a disrespectful way, we are done. (you are obviously allowed to disagree respectfully. At regionals, Quinn and I both disagreed with a call made by the judges because another athlete stepped into her jump rope. A call was made and we had to live with it. She was upset, as was I, however we accepted it gracefully.)

If any of my athletes or teammates ever walked off the ‘field’ without cheering on other competitors before the workout was over, we would have some things to discuss. (There are a few exceptions…I put the health and safety of you guys first and if you need to get into an ice bath, get some water in you, or get into the shade, these things come first.This happened to me at Regionals in a workout last year. I finished and I knew I needed to get into the shade and into some water. This generally only happens if I hit a time cap or if I feel like I am risking getting injured.) These exceptions don’t happen often though, so moral of the story- stay and cheer on your fellow competitors and athletes. This is one of the unique and beautiful things about this sport. Don’t ruin it. I have zero respect for athletes that don’t respect others. I have only seen this a few times and I wanted to take that persons face and smash it onto the concrete…just saying. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but not really. As a coach, I would never do this. I represent the crossfit community, my gym, my athletes, and those who coach me. I expect other coaches, gym owners, and athletes to do the same.

Always finish the competition- If you are losing, get over it. It’s not the end of the world. Getting pouty because you aren’t doing well happens to the best of us, but finishing what you started is more important than being upset about your performance. With the exception of a serious injury obviously. Finally, Don’t cheat. If I every caught one of my athletes cheating, especially in competition, we would have a pretty interesting conversation. I don’t want to coach or work with anyone who intentionally shows poor sportsmanship. I actually just don’t even want to be friends with people like that. If you are incapable of getting your head out of your ass and setting your ego aside in a sport like this, you have no place in this community.

Ok, thanks for listening to me rant. The end.

These are some friends I made while being a ‘good sport.’ Oddly enough, they were also ‘good sports’ and we became friends.