Tag Archives: out of control

Holding On

I used to be really strong… and by that, I mean I used to be able to hide things really well. I would pretend like everything was okay when it wasn’t and I never cried, ever. I used to run into my bedroom and pull the covers over my head. I’ve changed since then, sort of…I might metaphorically pull the covers over my head I suppose. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I want to be able to control everything. I want everything to go my way, all of the time, and I want to fix problems- especially the problems of the people I care about. And I will go to any length I believe is necessary to try and fix those problems. I believe everything should have a black and white solution (but I know that’s not the case) and when I can’t find that solution or can’t fix the problem, well, I freak out. I’m self- destructive and my coping mechanisms aren’t always the best. I have unbelievably vivid memories of coping with things as a kid..or not actually coping with them. When I’m freaking out and trying to deal with something now, those memories come flooding back. I’m the first to admit that I desire to control situations and the first to admit I’m not always right and that I don’t have all the answers. I wish I did and I try to find answers to problems that don’t necessarily have one. We are shaped less by the good things that happen to us than we are the bad and without those bad times, we wouldn’t know how good everything actually is. It really doesn’t matter how many times you fall down…as long as you can pick yourself up afterwards.
So lesson of the week is to keep your head up…allow yourself to freak out, because you undoubtedly will when things get tough. What matters is how you handle everything after sh*t hits the fan. A friend told me today that it seems like a lot of people’s lives are spinning out of control. We have a choice…stay on for the ride and handle things as they come, or give up and jump off. Your choice.

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.” 
-Ralph Waldo Emerson